I'm okay with being strong.

I've spent my entire life trying to figure people out. Trying to decide why they do the things they do.
Why people act vicious when they feel threatened.
Why people talk about you behind your back instead of to your face.
Why people lie and say everything's alright when it's not.


Granted, I've never been able to figure this out. And honestly, I don't think I ever will. People are just too complicated. It amazes me when people walk around thinking they've got it all figured out. No, you really don't. The only thing constant in life is change. And your opinion on something could be completely different than someone else's. Its just all about who you are as a person.
I've learned recently, that you might not always like people for how they act. Actions speak louder than words, but a combination of both can be quite.. potent. Especially in High School. Part of it, I think, is that kids are too immature and incompetent to act independently. So they go with the crowd. Which is fine, but I was never one for fitting in anyway.
I've been subject to some vicious things my past years at school. I don't complain about them because in the long run, they really did help. I developed a thick skin, and a wickedly awesome ability to counter attack people's insults (Thanks to my dad. He's a genius when it comes to that.) There have been times though, moments when my patience almost slips. When my fingers twitch and that little devil sitting on my shoulder whispers "why are you letting them do this to you? you could take them easy." There have been moments where blood rushes to my face and tears prick at my eyes. I may have thick skin, but after a while it wears away in places. Especially when you let your guard down.
I never understood why people got after me. I never knew- and I still don't know- what I do to make them hate me so much. People tell me it comes with the territory. High School kids will be High School kids. It makes me sad that we've been labeled that way. Vicious, immature, dependent.
After having this mini world war with myself, my dad finally calmed me one night by telling me
"Sam, you're in charge of how you feel. Not anyone else."
Well duh. Why wasn't this more obvious to me before? That was like the icing on the cake for me. The final layer to my thick skin. No one can touch me if I don't want them to.
I like that feeling. Not of being powerful, but knowing that no one needs to worry about me. That I can take care of myself, and don't have to ask anyone for anything. Knowing that I'm in charge of my emotions, and that no one else can determine if I'm sad or mad.
I like being the person others can go to if they need help, or someone to tell their problems to.
I like being the person who others trust.
I like being that person. I'm okay with it.
I'm okay with being strong.