You've always made me proud.

Remember that post "I'll make you proud one day, I promise"? Well, I was thinking about that post at my swim meet yesterday. *Warning*: Another swimming story. Brace yourself.

It was the Utah County Invite. Pretty important meet, I would have to say. My coach put me in the 100 free, expecting me to win it with a 54.9. I was hesitant, wondering if I was even capable of going that fast this early in the season. I gave him the usual high-5 and walked towards the blocks. I stood behind lane 4, stretching, warming up, focusing. When I dove in the pool, I just let my body do what it knows how to do best. I swam.
When I finished, I was so pumped to look up at the score board and see a.......
55.9.
Wait, what? Wasn't that supposed to be a 54.9? Judging by the way my body ached and it seemed like I couldn't get air in my lungs fast enough, that should've been at least a 55.0.
I tried not to let it get to me. But I could feel that horrible sense of disappointment creeping up behind me as I walked over to talk to my coach. When I approached him, he looked at me and said "Sit down, Sammi."
I sat down on the cold bench and looked at my coach while he told me
"You don't want it bad enough."
The rest of his words were all blurred and hazed as my mind spun out in 50 different directions.
What the heck does he mean by that?
How could he say that? 
What makes him think he has the RIGHT to say that?
RUDE.


I walked away from him with tears stinging my eyes, his words still fresh in my mind
You don't want it bad enough.

I went outside to collect myself, and started doing some serious soul searching. My hair was wet, I was in my parka and slippers, it was raining, and I was a mess. After all of these things happening with swimming, I was really starting to question whether or not it was even worth it. I never seemed to be able to make anyone happy, no matter how hard I tried. Simple and plain; I just wasn't good enough.
I pulled out my phone and started reading through my blog, trying to find some sort of inspiration from my past self to pull me through the rest of the meet.
Then I saw the post "I'll make you proud one day, I promise."
I read through it. Then I read through it again.
And again.
I got that drive i needed to finish the meet out. I walked back on deck and prepared to swim my last race, a relay. Me and 3 of my best friends were going to finish this meet out with a vengeance. I was determined.
I was leading off the relay, and as I got on the blocks in that same old pool I train in every day, where I've felt victory, disappointment, loss, pain and laughter. In that moment when everyone was silent, and the world seemed to stand still for just a fraction of a second, a voice said to me

You've always made me proud.


I'll save you the sob story, but we won the relay by 4 seconds, and Lone Peak ended up winning the entire meet. But I'll never forget that moment on the blocks.
I'll never forget the feeling I had when I knew I was important to someone. And that that someone is the most powerful being in the universe.

And strangely, in that moment, I knew everything was going to be okay.