Restart.

It's funny how I keep thinking things will get better- but then they always take a turn for the worse.
I keep thinking I'm strong enough to handle things, but night after night tears find me again.
I keep thinking the smile I plaster on my face is good enough, but everyone sees through it.
I keep thinking things will get better- and in the back of my mind I know they will- but right now it just seems hopeless.

I have this habit of portraying that I'm strong. That people can lean on me if they need to- because I can help them. I'd rather be helping other people than worrying about myself.
I've never been one to submit- to conform. I've always been weird, quarky, awkward, you name it. I've just always been.. different.
Lately I can feel myself slipping under the waves. Fitting in, blending in. Giving up.

It makes me feel angry, because all this time I've made a big show about never giving up and slapping failure in the face , and I'm not even doing that. I'm being such a hypocrite.

I've always been fond of individuality. Being who you are, and not being anyone else because everyone else is already taken. So why do I want to change so bad? Why do I want to be like all the people that surround me? I feel so insignificant. Lost. Inadequate.
Maybe its because I've been fighting that feeling for so long.
Maybe its because I've been pretending to be strong.
Maybe its because I've just been trying to convince myself I was someone I'm not.

For that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't given you my best. You deserve it. You deserve everything good and beautiful in this world and I promise I've been trying to give it to you.. I just failed. My perspective was so off.
We're going to restart though. Pick up the pieces and try again. I won't mess up this time. I can't take seeing the hurt on your face when I do. From now on, the only thing I will see in your eyes is pride. I can't thank you enough for the second chances, the 'I forgive you's' and the un-judging eyes. I find strength in those eyes.
So, Lets start again shall we?
Hi, my name is Sammi and I haven't achieved anything great or awesome; not yet at least. I love eating Nutella by the spoonful and I cry when I hear beautiful music. I watch the movie Spirit at least once a week, and I have a pitiful habit of telling half-truths. I mess up a lot. I take two steps forward and one step back. I'm an average 16 year old girl trying to balance High School drama and her own mistakes and still getting out in one piece.
I find strength in friends and family, and in the scriptures. I see hope in sunsets and stars. I feel destiny push me forward when ever I step foot in a pool. I see darkness more often than light, but I crave light more than darkness. I fight and hold grudges, I cry but don't let anyone see. Im unstable and crazy, but somehow a bustling enviornment makes me calm. I love driving with the windows down when its 44 degrees outside, and I love feeling the sun on my face.

Hi, my name is Sammi and I look forward to a brighter tomorrow.