Anyways, apart from the awkward silence that I know you're feeling right now, I decided to blog because tonight, at 9:00, I wrote a paper. A 3 page paper, actually.
It was for my AP English Language class. A reflection paper.
I sat down at the computer and all of a sudden, 20 minutes later, 3 full pages were on the screen in front of me. I'm definitely a believer in writing about something you're passionate about.
Want to see? Here.
Its awesome.
Sammi Scoresby A2
Reflection paper
Change and I Aren't Very Good Friends.
I've never really liked change. It scares me, actually. The entire concept of it wigs me out, so I try my best not to dwell on it too often.
Unfortunately, change has been present in my life ever since I can remember. I get the feeling that it stalks me sometimes. Whether it followed me through Elementary School, and took my little brother and sister from the earth before I even had time to say goodbye, or showed hints of itself in different hughes in the leaves of fall, or the first snowflake of a coming winter storm, change has been the one constant thing in my life. I have yet to find out why.
If I've noticed anything about change in all of my years, its that change has a funny way of working things out. It wasn't until I turned 16 that I noticed just how much change altered my paradigm of life so dramatically.
At 16 you're supposed to be careless. Living life, free of the stresses of paying for college, worrying about your future, or where you'll be 5 years from now. You're not supposed to think about who you end up with in the end of it all, or even if you'd be married at all. Normal teenagers didn't worry about that kind of stuff.
But I did.
I guess you could say I've always had sort of low self esteem. I couldn't tell you exact reasons why, but I just have. As years went by, I developed an emotional mask. I put up walls, and didn't let very many people inside of my boundaries. I never really opened up to anyone. I was calm and guarded on the front, but I was screaming inside.
It was the beginning of second semester my sophomore year. I was in a class called MAGIC, (Making a Great Individual Contribution. Spiffy, eh?) and it was one of my few electives. I had buried myself in honors classes, trying to get ahead. I must admit, I never really took MAGIC seriously. It was one of those classes where you could show up, sit in a desk, and get an A. Most of the time that's what I did. I showed up, and sat.
It was during one of my 'show up and sit' sessions that I can say with all honesty, my entire life changed. My head was on my desk, my train of thought slowly de-railing itself, when someone sat in the seat in front of me. At first I was kind of appalled. I sat in the back corner of the class, away from all the clicks and cliché groups of girls with blonde hair and long black eyelashes. I distanced myself from them. On purpose. Why was this person sitting right in front of me? Then I looked up at him. He was wearing navy blue sweats, a white shirt with a black backpack slung across his shoulder. He didn't even look at me. He just sat down, pulled out an ipad, and began reading something on the bright screen. I looked over his shoulder, and noticed that he was reading out of the Book of Mormon, 1st Nephi to be exact. I don't know what it was, but something told me I needed to get to know this boy.
I'll save you the long version, but long story short, I got to know him. And with time, he became my best friend. Daniel knew everything about me. He knew that the rain makes me sad, and that I like to drive fast when there's no one on the road. He knew that Olive Garden is my favorite restaurant, and that sometimes I get mad for no reason. He took the time to knock down all my walls. He helped me realize that you don't have to hide everything; its okay to cry sometimes. He changed me. And I was okay with it.
As time went on, the closer we got. But there was still that ever-present sense of change haunting me. This time was different, though. I knew when the change was coming, and how my life was going to change.
Daniel was going to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He was going to leave for 2 years. He was going to leave Highland, Utah, and his family. But the only thing in my mind that seemed to eat at me every day, was that he was leaving me. I wasn't ready. I wasn't. Nothing could make me ready for that! To have my best friend gone from my life for 730 days? No. No way. I couldn't let it happen. I wouldn't.
No matter how many times I told myself that, my conscience over powered me immediately. I knew he had to go. It was the right thing for both of us, and he needed to go. I just didn't want to have to deal with the aftermath.
As the day rapidly approached for his departure, I was staring down changes' throat. I could feel it breathing down my neck, and I could see its shadow following me. I tried so hard to over look it, to have it merge into the blind spot of my brain, but I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't.
The day finally came. And I was a wreck.
“It's only for 2 years, sweetheart.” he said as we were standing on my front porch.
“Ha. Only 2 years.” I said through my tears.
He didn't say anything after that. He hugged me for a while, and then we both knew he had to go. I looked at him for a fleeting moment, and he took my face in his hands and said “I love you, Samantha Kay Scoresby. I'll see you soon.”
And with that, he left.
I could tell you right now, that change was definitely the hardest. Life has been different without him, but I have a new sense of direction now that he's gone. I get letters every other day. I get e-mails every Monday and sometimes I'm lucky enough to get pictures in the mail. It's different. Its hard. But it's worth it. I know what he's doing is the right thing for both of us. I know that 2 years is a long time to wait, but that boy in the navy blue sweats with the ipad shifted something inside of me. He changed the way I see life, and the way I see myself. No amount of time could ever alter that, and so to me, no matter what anyone's opinion is of my situation, and no matter how lonely I get sometimes, I know it's going to be okay. Because he'll be home soon, and after all, in the grand scheme of things, how long is 2 years really?
Change and I have never been best friends. But change helped me find my best friend, so I guess I can tolerate it now.
