Hello, doubters.

You'd think that I'd be used to them by now; the nagging voices. You'd think I'd be able to tune them out and just go about my business. But it seems like no matter how hard I try, the louder they get. I understand their intentions, and why they nag the way they do, but, Im tired. Tired of hearing how I'm not good enough, or how I need to be stronger.
Trust me, I'm being as strong as I can be.
Im tired of being told to step it up and lead the team.
I don't know about you, but that's what I thought I was doing?
Im tired of looking into their faces while they present more and more demands and trying not to scream "im just me! Im not as strong as you think."

I guess i'll just have to keep putting up with it, yes?
Cause sometimes dedication isn't noticed until you make people notice.


Well here's to all those who doubt me, or look down on me.
Just wait. Im coming.

-Me.

Smile, its Christmas.

Dear Santa.
Incase you haven't noticed, the world has gotten pretty crazy lately. We run and run from appointments to meetings, only to forget the moments we had in the place we were before. We take for granted every passing glance, or momentary smile we receive on the cold streets we walk every day. We lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas in all of the business going on around us. So, if you have time in your busy schedule, I'd like to ask you for a favor.
I don't want gifts this year. I don't want that new sweater I saw at Forever 21. I don't want that new perfume or the fuzzy socks. I want everyone to be loved, and know that they're loved. Cause isn't that really what Christmas is really all about? I grew up being told that, and I wish everyone else knew it, too.

So, if its not too much trouble this year.. let everyone know that they're loved. Cause they are.

Love always,
Me.

I'm okay with being strong.

I've spent my entire life trying to figure people out. Trying to decide why they do the things they do.
Why people act vicious when they feel threatened.
Why people talk about you behind your back instead of to your face.
Why people lie and say everything's alright when it's not.


Granted, I've never been able to figure this out. And honestly, I don't think I ever will. People are just too complicated. It amazes me when people walk around thinking they've got it all figured out. No, you really don't. The only thing constant in life is change. And your opinion on something could be completely different than someone else's. Its just all about who you are as a person.
I've learned recently, that you might not always like people for how they act. Actions speak louder than words, but a combination of both can be quite.. potent. Especially in High School. Part of it, I think, is that kids are too immature and incompetent to act independently. So they go with the crowd. Which is fine, but I was never one for fitting in anyway.
I've been subject to some vicious things my past years at school. I don't complain about them because in the long run, they really did help. I developed a thick skin, and a wickedly awesome ability to counter attack people's insults (Thanks to my dad. He's a genius when it comes to that.) There have been times though, moments when my patience almost slips. When my fingers twitch and that little devil sitting on my shoulder whispers "why are you letting them do this to you? you could take them easy." There have been moments where blood rushes to my face and tears prick at my eyes. I may have thick skin, but after a while it wears away in places. Especially when you let your guard down.
I never understood why people got after me. I never knew- and I still don't know- what I do to make them hate me so much. People tell me it comes with the territory. High School kids will be High School kids. It makes me sad that we've been labeled that way. Vicious, immature, dependent.
After having this mini world war with myself, my dad finally calmed me one night by telling me
"Sam, you're in charge of how you feel. Not anyone else."
Well duh. Why wasn't this more obvious to me before? That was like the icing on the cake for me. The final layer to my thick skin. No one can touch me if I don't want them to.
I like that feeling. Not of being powerful, but knowing that no one needs to worry about me. That I can take care of myself, and don't have to ask anyone for anything. Knowing that I'm in charge of my emotions, and that no one else can determine if I'm sad or mad.
I like being the person others can go to if they need help, or someone to tell their problems to.
I like being the person who others trust.
I like being that person. I'm okay with it.
I'm okay with being strong.

One of those Days.

Well, it finally happened. Kudos, immune system. You put up a good fight.
Unfortunately, it wasn't good enough.
So, here I am, eating chicken noodle soup and surfing Youtube for awesome obscure music.
Im actually hoping this sickness will make its way out of my system before it starts snowing. Because honestly, Im going to be spending all of my free time outside playing in it either way.

Have I mentioned that I'm super pumped for Christmas? Im obsessed with this time of year. When the house always smells like someone's baking. Christmas music is playing on a loop quietly in the background, (or really loud when we feel like rocking out.) When I watch the snow fall from the window with a cup of cocoa in my hand and my favorite blanket. Ahh. I don't know what it is about December, Christmas, or the sudden high people seem to get on from their New Years Resolutions, but it just makes me happy.

Fa la la la la...

If you could just stop running and take a second to breathe it in.

I just want to say thanks for telling me I'm beautiful.

I don't like to look back on the past, Im scared to look ahead to the future, but maybe God's trying to send me a message: Focus on this moment. Here. Now. Make it the best you can possibly make it, then the future will play out better than you think.

If you could only just stop stop stop running,
If you could only take a second to breathe it in.
Everything that you know would be beautiful like you.

Writers block.

My apologies. Im sorry I haven't written sooner. I'd like to just tell you that I've been busy, or that I had some super important things to take care of, but the truth is,
I just haven't had inspiration for blogging in a while.

I hate this about being a writer. Writers block is one of the worst feelings in the world. When you have a million bajillion thoughts bouncing around in your head, and you're too unfocused to get them down on paper. Or when you try to think of something deep and motivational and you come up with nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch.
It makes me feel super productive, let me tell you.

Anyway, I'm sure when I have some epic life-changing experience I'll totally tell you all about it. But as for now, my thoughts are too chaotic to share at this moment in time.

Lots of love always,

Me.

You've always made me proud.

Remember that post "I'll make you proud one day, I promise"? Well, I was thinking about that post at my swim meet yesterday. *Warning*: Another swimming story. Brace yourself.

It was the Utah County Invite. Pretty important meet, I would have to say. My coach put me in the 100 free, expecting me to win it with a 54.9. I was hesitant, wondering if I was even capable of going that fast this early in the season. I gave him the usual high-5 and walked towards the blocks. I stood behind lane 4, stretching, warming up, focusing. When I dove in the pool, I just let my body do what it knows how to do best. I swam.
When I finished, I was so pumped to look up at the score board and see a.......
55.9.
Wait, what? Wasn't that supposed to be a 54.9? Judging by the way my body ached and it seemed like I couldn't get air in my lungs fast enough, that should've been at least a 55.0.
I tried not to let it get to me. But I could feel that horrible sense of disappointment creeping up behind me as I walked over to talk to my coach. When I approached him, he looked at me and said "Sit down, Sammi."
I sat down on the cold bench and looked at my coach while he told me
"You don't want it bad enough."
The rest of his words were all blurred and hazed as my mind spun out in 50 different directions.
What the heck does he mean by that?
How could he say that? 
What makes him think he has the RIGHT to say that?
RUDE.


I walked away from him with tears stinging my eyes, his words still fresh in my mind
You don't want it bad enough.

I went outside to collect myself, and started doing some serious soul searching. My hair was wet, I was in my parka and slippers, it was raining, and I was a mess. After all of these things happening with swimming, I was really starting to question whether or not it was even worth it. I never seemed to be able to make anyone happy, no matter how hard I tried. Simple and plain; I just wasn't good enough.
I pulled out my phone and started reading through my blog, trying to find some sort of inspiration from my past self to pull me through the rest of the meet.
Then I saw the post "I'll make you proud one day, I promise."
I read through it. Then I read through it again.
And again.
I got that drive i needed to finish the meet out. I walked back on deck and prepared to swim my last race, a relay. Me and 3 of my best friends were going to finish this meet out with a vengeance. I was determined.
I was leading off the relay, and as I got on the blocks in that same old pool I train in every day, where I've felt victory, disappointment, loss, pain and laughter. In that moment when everyone was silent, and the world seemed to stand still for just a fraction of a second, a voice said to me

You've always made me proud.


I'll save you the sob story, but we won the relay by 4 seconds, and Lone Peak ended up winning the entire meet. But I'll never forget that moment on the blocks.
I'll never forget the feeling I had when I knew I was important to someone. And that that someone is the most powerful being in the universe.

And strangely, in that moment, I knew everything was going to be okay.

I believe in the underdog.

Early this morning, around 5, I was swimming laps in a steaming pool with dim lights. The sky was black, the moon was full and all I could see, taste and smell was chlorine. I was tired. But it was that different kind of tired, that sinks into your muscles, and makes your eyelids heavy. That kind of tired that puts a haze around your frame of mind, and makes others voices sound slurred.
I guess I just wasn't all... there.
I was thinking about school, and college. I was thinking about family and my future. I was thinking about pretty much everything but swimming. It wasn't until I missed my goal time on my timed 50 free by .1 that I was quite rudely slapped awake.
C'mon, lets think about this. .1? .1 of a freaking second. wow. Only in swimming would a tenth of a second wreck your entire day. I've been in races where 1st through 5th place have been separated by only a second. Funny, isn't it, how a tenth of a second can make a girl feel so insignificant.
Sometimes I feel like it's always like that. That I'm almost there, almost, almost... aaaaa...nope. It reminds me of when someone you like is about to give you a hug or a high 5 then they're all "Psych!"
I feel like that .1 of a second is all "ha ha, sucker!"
Is it  bad to want to swear at .1 of a second? Cause I want to.
I was really frustrated after morning practice. Tears were stinging my eyes and my muscles were all tense. Then I remembered something my mom said last night at dinner.
"I believe in the underdog." I thought about that for a second, and after shouting "BLOG POST!" in the middle of the restaurant, I kept thinking about it.
Aren't the stories we remember most the ones where the losing team comes back and wins? Or the basketball player who never thought he'd play, then scores 20 points in the last 4 minutes of the game?
Then I noticed there are quiet underdogs. Ones who don't gather as much attention, or praise. They struggle in their own way, then over come it.
I believe in the underdog.
So, in a way, aren't we all underdogs? Granted none of us are perfect. We all have our own unique trials and probably most of us feel that we've been dealt the raw hand in life.
Well, incase you're struggling,
I believe in you.
I believe in everything that you are, and will be. I believe in the fire and the drive that I know you have. I believe that the blood, sweat, and tears you put into everything you do will put you on top in the end. You're stronger than you think. You have more potential than you know.
You may be the underdog; but the underdog will relish success because they know the pain it took to get there.
I promise, it's worth it.

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." - Gandhi.

Grow old with me.

If there's one thing I've learned in all my 16 years, its that things happen for a reason. People change so we can learn to move on, happiness in one thing dies out so we can find joy in something better. We cry so we can relish peace, and we build walls to find out who cares enough about us to climb them.
It seems to me that the only constant thing in my world is change. Kind of ironic, isn't it? I've discovered that there are lots of factors to this thing we call 'change.'
Death changes people. No one knows that better than me.
Growing up changes people; in crazy ways I've discovered. I look at kids my age who pretend to be all tough and Im all "uhh, no. You ran around in my backyard sprinklers screaming at the top of your lungs in nothing but pants when you were like 3. Stop."
Time changes people. In obvious ways like wrinkles and laugh lines. Or the old couple sitting on the park bench, content with nothing to say. Because everything that could've been said in that moment had already been shared countless times. Or the old man who spends his fall evenings in the cemetery, talking to a best friend lost long ago, with wilted roses in his frail hands.
I've discovered that love changes people. I find that it shifts feelings inside of you, so a light shines through. The right kind of love, that is. The love of a family, a best friend, or a lover. I've seen love create and destroy. Lift up and drag down. Succeed and fail, but one thing that I've learned in all of my oh so wise 16 years is that
True Love Never Fails.
I believe that. I believe that with every part of me.
I want to go through all the changes that being in love brings. I want to fall in love with a returned missionary, worthy priesthood holder who loves me almost as much as I love him, cause i'll always love him most. I want to get married in the temple, and buy a pretty white gown and have my best friends in matching dresses. I want to dance with him for the first time to a slow country song, looking into his eyes and think "Forever," over and over.
I want to rock our baby on the front porch, watching the sun go down, his hands on my shoulders. I want to tease him when he starts getting gray hairs. I want to help him fix up the house, or work on the yard. I want to cry with him when our kids graduate from high school, and then when our first grandchild is born. I want to grow old with him.
I want to be in love.
Because no matter what changes around us, he will always be the same.
Cause True love Never fails.
I trust that love will always find a way, a path to me in the darkness. And maybe one day, a silly boy will love me so much that he'll want to spend eternity with me.
I want to be good enough for that.

Change happens.
But it happens so we can move forward.

"Without change there wouldn't be butterflies."- Anon.

P.S. click on this link; HERE. I know you want to.

Restart.

It's funny how I keep thinking things will get better- but then they always take a turn for the worse.
I keep thinking I'm strong enough to handle things, but night after night tears find me again.
I keep thinking the smile I plaster on my face is good enough, but everyone sees through it.
I keep thinking things will get better- and in the back of my mind I know they will- but right now it just seems hopeless.

I have this habit of portraying that I'm strong. That people can lean on me if they need to- because I can help them. I'd rather be helping other people than worrying about myself.
I've never been one to submit- to conform. I've always been weird, quarky, awkward, you name it. I've just always been.. different.
Lately I can feel myself slipping under the waves. Fitting in, blending in. Giving up.

It makes me feel angry, because all this time I've made a big show about never giving up and slapping failure in the face , and I'm not even doing that. I'm being such a hypocrite.

I've always been fond of individuality. Being who you are, and not being anyone else because everyone else is already taken. So why do I want to change so bad? Why do I want to be like all the people that surround me? I feel so insignificant. Lost. Inadequate.
Maybe its because I've been fighting that feeling for so long.
Maybe its because I've been pretending to be strong.
Maybe its because I've just been trying to convince myself I was someone I'm not.

For that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't given you my best. You deserve it. You deserve everything good and beautiful in this world and I promise I've been trying to give it to you.. I just failed. My perspective was so off.
We're going to restart though. Pick up the pieces and try again. I won't mess up this time. I can't take seeing the hurt on your face when I do. From now on, the only thing I will see in your eyes is pride. I can't thank you enough for the second chances, the 'I forgive you's' and the un-judging eyes. I find strength in those eyes.
So, Lets start again shall we?
Hi, my name is Sammi and I haven't achieved anything great or awesome; not yet at least. I love eating Nutella by the spoonful and I cry when I hear beautiful music. I watch the movie Spirit at least once a week, and I have a pitiful habit of telling half-truths. I mess up a lot. I take two steps forward and one step back. I'm an average 16 year old girl trying to balance High School drama and her own mistakes and still getting out in one piece.
I find strength in friends and family, and in the scriptures. I see hope in sunsets and stars. I feel destiny push me forward when ever I step foot in a pool. I see darkness more often than light, but I crave light more than darkness. I fight and hold grudges, I cry but don't let anyone see. Im unstable and crazy, but somehow a bustling enviornment makes me calm. I love driving with the windows down when its 44 degrees outside, and I love feeling the sun on my face.

Hi, my name is Sammi and I look forward to a brighter tomorrow.

Spirit.

Yesterday I was feeling kind of gloomy. What did I do? I put in my all time favorite movie.
SPIRIT: STALLION OF THE CIMARRON.
Oh freak yes. I love that movie. And I love Bryan Adams, who does all the music for it. So it's basically a win win. 
I advise you to go watch it immediately. Because I cry every time. But then I feel better because (spoiler alert!!!) Spirit wins in the end. But aren't all cartoons like that? There's a song in that movie for every single one of my moods. ready? write this down. You'll love them.


"Sound the Bugle"- Pity party song.
"Can't take me"- who do you think you are? Let me be myself.
"Get off of my back." - Swimming song. Enough said. Cracks me up every time.




Life has presented me with new challenges that I didnt expect lately. Yeah, it's hard, but guys, don't worry. Spirit is keeping me going. 
Fact: Life is hard. But so worth it.

Thanks, pal.

A few days ago I got involved in a phone conversation that somehow turned from "hey, how are you?" to discussing deep religious views.
I gotta say, I didn't see that one coming.
I learned really quickly by talking to this person for about 20 minutes, that for the entire 2 years i've known them, they've been full out lying to me.
Awesome, right?

I had to try so hard to not to full out yell at him, shove a Book of Mormon in his face and say "read it! it will change your life!" It was the first time in my entire life that I had to hold back and say "Look, I respect you for your views, and you should respect me for mine." The pressure that built up inside of me to defend my religion was almost too much. I wanted to convert him right then and there.
But I guess it doesn't work that way. My dad told me "You just provide information, they convert on their own due time and with the Spirit."
Which is true.
The more I've thought about it, though, Im starting to realize that this is how missionaries must feel sometimes. Especially because they're so in tune with the gospel, and they have such powerful testimonies, wouldn't they just want to mass-baptize everyone? I would. If I'm going to go on a mission, I need to learn self control and more patience.

I'm really thankful for missionaries. And the guys that they are before they leave. One of my favorite things on this entire planet is to see a missionary diligently serving the Lord. I don't know how to explain it, but the light of Christ emits so brightly from all of them. It makes me smile.

Im also really thankful for the guy friends that I have now. And how I can see them being missionaries in a few years. It makes me sad to think that I'm going to have to start saying goodbye soon, but Im so pumped for them because I know they're all going to be such studs when they get back. Well, they already are, but even more so after 2 years of epic gospel-immersion.

I was hanging out with some of my closest friends last night, and I kind of had one of those 'out of body experiences.' where you kind of zone out look at things from a different kind of perspective. In that moment, all I could think was "This is good. This is how life should be."

Im so thankful for my friends. And the people in my life that get in my face a little bit when I screw up. I need it; I'm too hard headed to listen to any other method. I'm thankful for the time people take to figure me out and break down all my walls. I'm thankful for people who aren't afraid to say "I love you," or "You're my best friend." I think sometimes we take those phrases for granted.
We shouldn't.

Nothing left to lose.

I think I've finally come to that point.
Where everything seems so good, so right. im tired of hesitating.
Life's been waiting and I've been putting it on hold too much.
Maybe because I had all my priorities messed up. Maybe because I was scared.
But now, I have nothing left to lose.
Im ready to live.

"something's in the air tonight
the skies alive with the burning light.
you can mark my words,
somethings about to break.

and I found myself in a bitter fight
when I felt your hand through the darkest night.
Don't know where you're coming from
but you're coming soon.

Come on and we'll see
like we were free.
Push the pedal down
watch the world around fly by us.

Come on and we'll try
one last time.
Im off of the floor
one more time to find you.

here we go
theres nothing left to choose.
here we go.
There's nothing left to lose."

I'll make you proud one day. I promise.

Today my life changed. No more eating brownies after dinner, or having a Mountain Dew when I need to wake up. No more shaving my legs for Sunday, or getting rid of the smell of chlorine that seems to haunt me.
Today my High School swim season starts.
And quite frankly, it's a big deal.
Did you know that when colleges are scouting for recruits, they look at the times from your Junior year? Junior?! Why?!? No one knows. But they do.
I'd like to think that I could take the whole summer off and come back strong and ready to swim, but that wont ever happen in a million years. Some people can be gone for weeks and come back to practice and kick my butt. Even when I've been there the whole time. It gets frustrating, but I'm happy for their success. I guess. - Cue angry jealous face-.

I know what you're thinking. "C'mon Sammi. ANOTHER post about swimming? Get a life. Puuhhlleeze."
Well, my few dear followers, I have to graciously deny your request. Because, incase you haven't noticed, Swimming IS my life. It's my whole reason for existing. And when your entire college career is riding on just this one season, it's a big deal. So why not blog about it?

Among the many things I've learned from swimming, is that you really do get out what you put in, and that you're going to fail quite often before you see success. But it's what you do when you fail that counts. Do you stay on the ground, telling yourself it isn't even worth it, and you should just quit now? Or do you get back up and give failure a slap in the face when it tells you you can't, turn your back on it and say "Watch me."?

As for me, I've failed a lot. let me tell you. I was in Washington for a swim meet one time with the Western half of the country, rested and feeling really really  good. That meet was what I had trained my entire 6 month season for. That was IT.
When I dove in, I felt good. It was brilliant. It was a distance race, so I knew I had to keep a pace in order to get the time I wanted.
Then. I lost it.
My arms started burning and my legs stopped moving. I was dying for air and that stupid annoying voice in the back of my head turned from "You're slowing down! speed up!" to "Just finish."
I got dead last in my heat. I'll never forget the look on my coach's face after that one. It still burns my eyes sometimes.

But, with failure eventually comes success. I don't have any really cool success stories to tell you. I didn't come back from behind and take state in a race. I didn't set a new record or even place in top 3. It just hasn't been in the cards for me yet.
But, I can tell you one thing.

I wont ever stop fighting. I won't ever stop practicing, sweating, bleeding and crying for the things I want most. Not just in swimming, but in everything. I'm not one to let things slip past me very easily.
The world is always going to tell us no. They're always going to set standards and limitations on what we can do. They're always going to try to tell us who to be and what to stand for.
Just be you.
And never stop working and fighting for the things you want most.

I'll make you proud one day. I promise.

Fairytales, Dragons and Prince Charming.

You know, I learned a lot of things from Fairytales growing up.

I learned to never take anything from strangers. Especially old hags.
I learned that singing at the top of your lungs is perfectly acceptable when you're alone. And in public.
I learned that if you're locked in a tower, there better be an emergency exit.
I learned to go with your gut and trust your heart.
I learned a lot of things.

One thing that I still haven't figured out is the concept of the oh-so-grand "Prince Charming."
Lets get real, every girl thinks about him. People write songs about him, (T-Swift?), and he constantly encompasses our farthest-reaching day dreams. We all want the "Fairy Tale" Romance. Why wouldn't we? Its perfect.
The Princess is just sitting there, wallowing in her misery while this incredibly good looking guy is doing everything he can to get to her. Then, when he finds her, they get married and live happily ever after. Who wouldn't want that?

I hate to break it to you, girls, but fairy tales like that just don't exist in all reality. We don't get locked in towers or fall into a deep sleep by eating an apple. There aren't dragons or demons that try to stop our Prince's every move. He doesn't carry around a sword, clad full out in armor. He doesn't call himself 'Sir' and you don't curtsy and call yourself 'Lady.' It may have been like that before, but we're in a whole new ball game now.

I do believe in Fairy Tales and happily ever afters. Don't get me wrong. After watching them for 16 years, these are 3 important things that I learned.

1. Fairy Tales taught me that dragons do exist. And that they can be defeated.
Having the Dragon win in the end of a movie would really ruin it for me. It's the greatest feeling when the Prince kills it, then finally gets to the girl. I feel a personal sense of accomplishment for him. Way to go, Prince.
I would expect that every girl has her own personal cult of 'dragons' that wait to sabotage her every move towards her Prince Charming. Whether it's inevitable things such as distance, age, or even timing, they always seem to work together in uncanny ways to tear the relationship apart.
Or there's the really really crappy relationships that you find yourself knee-deep in, with no hope of getting out. You didn't really mean to put yourself in that situation, it just sort of, happened. Which is completely understandable.
My word of advice?: Things happen for a reason. Cliche, I know. But maybe the distance makes you appreciate the time you have together. Or the bad relationships taught you about what it takes to have a good, healthy one. To everything there is a season, to every rhyme there is a reason.

2. Maybe Prince Charming isn't who you think he is.
Every girl envisions her Prince Charming as this stud, who walks around with all his possy thinking "I'm so rad. Everyone should love me."
No.
No, No no.
your Prince Charming is who YOU want him to be. Not who everyone else thinks he should be. Prince Charming is going to connect with you on levels that even you yourself don't understand. he's going to make you laugh, smile, and maybe blush a little sometimes. He's going to love you at your worst and your best. He's going to lift you up when you feel low, and lift you higher when you're at the top of the world.
It seems to me like girls go looking in all the wrong places for their Prince Charming. Then they end up getting knee-deep into those crappy relationships, with no directions on how to get out.
My other word of advice?: Look.Around.
How many guys are in your 'friend zone' that you love to hang out with, be with, and laugh with? Im not saying you should go hook up with them, but just remember how you feel when ever you're with them.
Look around. Take the path less traveled by.


 3. Happily Ever After DOES exist.
I believe this because of my religion. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I believe that families can be sealed together for time and all eternity, because of our Heavenly Father's beautiful eternal plan. I believe in happiness that lasts for ever. I believe that something as beautiful as finding your other half should last longer than the general life expectancy. I believe there's something beyond 'Til death do us part.'

I believe in being a Mormon. I believe in eternity. I believe in happily ever after, and finding my Prince Charming.

Deep thinking.

I was thinking a lot today. I was in one of those weird moods where everything causes you to think really deep.
* I think most of this is contributed to reading Tuesdays with Morrie.  I read it all last night and I cried.
Anyway.
Example A) My stupid shoe-lace wasn't behaving how I wanted it to.  It was sticking out and spazzing out 24/7. I was so frustrated with it, wanting to just cut it off with scissors. But then my mind spun out into all these reasonings. 'this is so symbolic, Sammi.' 'Why do you let the small things bother you?' 'Your perspective needs to be wider. There are so many more important things in this world.' Yeah, what? Sammi, shut up, stop thinking and walk to class.

Example B) I tend to observe people frequently. People watching, I guess some people call it. I was watching people in the hall, watching their faces and who they were talking to. What faces they made when they talked, or how they explained something with their hands. I found out that I tend to notice ( No, I dont stalk. Stop thinking that.) people who are happier more. The sad ones aren't entertaining to people-watch. Then I started thinking about me. Well first I thought 'These people probably think you're a creep, Sammi.' Then I laughed. But really. I started thinking about me. Not in a selfish kind of way, but more self-critical. And I decided something.
So many people try to be different, which just makes us all normal.
Im so tired of seeing people trying so hard to stand out. Its like a breath of fresh air when someone is just themselves.

I realized that I love the process of figuring out who I am. What i like and what I don't like. Who I like to hang out with and who I just can't stand.
I'm screwing up and fixing things. I'm happy and I'm sad.
I'm figuring it out.
That feeling is nice.

Mother Nature hates Utah.

Reality slapped me rather hard across the face these past few days.
It's been raining/snowing/being below freezing temperatures for the past 3 days. I was extremely upset about this, it only being October 7th (aren't we supposed to have Fall after Summer?) until I realized..
I live in Utah.
Oh, yeah.
I think instead of "worlds greatest snow" on the license plate, it should say "worlds most bipolar weather."

Now, I'm not usually one to complain about things that I can't control. And I usually don't complain about the weather. But then, I realized, as I was driving...
I absolutely HATE dealing with Wind shield wipers.
What the freaking heck.
I mean, don't get me wrong, im super glad for all of the different settings they have, but if you press down the lever a little too hard, it turns on to high and has a complete spaz, freak out. Or, if its just barely raining, you don't want to put it on low because then you feel like it's moving needlessly. But you don't want to turn them off because after a while rain collects on the bloody windshield and you can't see! So usually I just end up pressing the lever down, and then back up. So the wipers go across once, successfully getting the water out of my vision, and then turning them off so I don't waste them.

Life would be so much easier if it didn't rain for one hour, snow for the next 2, then be sunny and in the 60's the rest of the day.
Life would be so much easier if we actually had a FALL instead of Summer then straight to Winter.
Life would be so much easier if Wind shield wipers had a 'Utah weather' setting.
Life would be so much easier if Mother nature didn't hate Utah.

But I guess it's the hard things that make life so great, eh? :)

Caramel Apple Spice and a Best Friend.

You know.. most teenagers my age are probably out partying right now.
Nah, not me.
Where am I? I'm at Starbucks. With a Vente Caramel Apple Spice on my right and my notebook and pencil on my left. With my best friend sitting across from me.

I think most people spend their lives looking for something. Looking for something that they don't have, instead of realizing what they do have.
And so, here are my kudos to everything that I have and am greatful for in my life at this moment.
Caramel Apple Spice: I know you're not supposed to be attatched to worldly things, but I really hope you are in the afterlife. You are like Christmas in a cup. Thank you.
Writing. Thank you for letting me express my feelings. So many different facets of life pour out onto paper because of you, and I feel better because of it.
StarBucks. Why haven't I been here every friday night for my whole life? Your solitude is brilliant.
Swimming. I know, another post about swimming. Shut up, it's my life alright? Honestly, I know I smell like chlorine all the time because of you, but swimming, you will always have a place in my heart.
Denise. (Incase you didn't know, Denise is my car. She's beautiful inside and out.) Denise, thank you for getting me places. The rev of your engine makes my day, and the way you automatically adjust your mirrors to my preference just brings happiness to my soul.
Rachel Alettta Hubert. Alright, I'll try not to not stray to the cheesey side of life for this, but if I do, Im sorry. I consider myself extremely fortunate. I have a person who wants to hang out with me ( I know, shocker huh? ) because of who I am. Or maybe its just my devilish good looks, I'm not quite sure.
It's crazy to think that you can spend so much time with someone that you start to adopt their habits. That you start to think on the same brainwave frequency. That you start having conversations with them in your head while you swim about funny situations. Wait, what?... awkward. But really. When I laugh, I look up and she's laughing too. Anyone who gets my sense of humor has got to be a really legit person. But for real, I heart Rachel Aletta Hubert.
P.S. Check out her blog! Here!

This post isn't about life and the situations that it brings. Its about how beautiful life simply just is. Think about it. Look at everything you have. It's beautiful and without it, you wouldn't be you.

And so, with that, I say..
I heart Starbucks. And my best friend. And life.

Weakness.

I'm not one to admit weakness. I rather despise doing so. I like to believe that I'm strong enough to handle anything. But when it comes to this.. I have no strength. I am easily swayed in any direction he may take me. Who is this mystery person?

ADAM LEVINE.

Oh my gosh. I just.. I don't even know what to say. He's like the perfect man. (Aside from all of the tattoos and the questionable language, but I'm willing to look past that.) He sings. He has a little scruff but not too much, its a nice balance. And. Most importantly.

* Look at the post second from the top**

<<

HE SAID SHAKE AND BAKE. This is destiny. Im sure of it.

Dear Adam Levine.
Marry me.

Love, Me.

Home.Coming.

I never thought I'd be one to get overly excited about dances. Consequently I discovered yesterday that I love them. Everything about them is so great. Let me just tell you:
 1.) The Day Date. 
Lets just be honest here, it doesn't get any better than a pudding slip-n-slide. Yeah, I know. PUDDING. I had to try really hard not to eat it. We got a giant tarp and put it on a hill in this park up on the side of the mountain, and the boys brought bowls and buckets and containers full of pudding. I personally thought it was brilliant. We threw it at each other, slid down the tarp, and just messed around. Eventually we got all tired, and discovered really quick that the pudding had dried. 
No bueno.
It was terrible. We could hardly talk because it made our face all cracked and stiff, and every time we moved our arms or legs, skin would stick together. Ouuuch. It was really funny, though. We drove to a nearby pond and tried to get it off our skin. After scrubbing with little individual knives that severed every pore on my face ......,sand, we finally drove home. It was such a fun date. Oh my heck.


2) Getting ready for the dance. 
Alright.. I don't know about you, but I don't get ready that often. Usually I just wear jeans and a big t-shirt to school with my hair in a messy bun. ( The upside to this is that when you have a random day where you DO get ready, EVERYONE notices. Its rather funny to me. "Hey, you look pretty today!" "Thanks. I straightened my hair for the first time in 4 months.!") Anyway, Having a day where I had the time and actually used it to look sociably acceptable.. was really fun. I did my nails, messed around with hair styles, modeled my dress, experimented with eye shadow.. ( I think I found a new hobby. Eye Shadow is so fun to screw around with. ) I dunno. It was just fun to feel pretty for once.


3) When your date comes.
All of the movies portray that "staircase decent scene" like its the biggest deal in the whole world. Which I guess in some cases it may be. I have to admit, I have really awesome prom stairs. They wind around and you get a straight shot at the door while you still have like 4 steps left. Im sure I could've put my hand on the railing and danced down if I wanted to, just to make it more dramatic.. but that would've made my date feel awkward. I just walked down casually.
My date: "Oh hey." <-- (was he surprised to see me? Haha.)
Me: "Hey!" I guess it could've been considered casual conversation. Except I was in a dress and had probably 12 ounces of hairspray in my hair. Oh well.


4) Corsage and Boutineer.
What the heck. Who on earth made these things so complicated. I was trying SO hard not to stab Carson to death the whole time. How are 2 little pins supposed to keep this massive rose on a thin shirt? Geeze. After like 400 attempts on my part, I just had my mom do it. She's a lot more experienced than I am.
Carson was smart and got a velcro corsage, with really pretty white roses and red accents. I thought he did a good job. I was impressed. Luckily, we made it out the door with no bloodshed. 


5) Pictures.
What is it about taking pictures in a dress that makes them so much more fun? Usually I hate taking pictures. Probably because I look like crap more than half of the time, but I guess looking fancy does silly things to your confidence. We went to these old Silos with old garage doors and hay. I thought they were super precious. One of the girls in our group had her mom come and take the pictures, and I thought they were really awesome. 
Side Note: Each couple had to come up with their own pose and mine and Carson's was definitely the best. What was it? AWKWARD POSE. Oh heck yeah. I may have stolen the idea from my dear friend Camille, but I couldn't help it. It was so funny. I wish I had a copy of the picture to show you, but I don't. Once i do, I'll put it on here. 


6) Dinner. 
I guess I loved dinner so much just because I love food. Period. And we went to one of my all time favorite restaurants in this whole wide world. Los Hermanos. Mmmm. Carson was telling me about this fancy mexican drink that I just HAD to try called Horchata. He said 'Its like a liquid cinnamon roll.' So duh I had to try it. The whole table ordered one, and the waiter brought them all out. He stopped to put mine down and guess what? 
Spilled the whole tray all over my dress. Oh yeah. Just my luck, right? Good thing my dress had absorbent fabric or I would've been livid. It just sank into my dress and we were all good. 


7) The DANCE.
Kay, I was never one for dancing. But there's something about High School dances that make me crazy. Maybe it's everyone dancing the same dance, or the good music with the fancy lights, but I love it. I love love love it. People watching is also really fun to do. You have A) The awkward couple that slow dances to every song and just stares into each others eyes like they're watching a movie. [ vomit. ] B) the couple that bobs up and down to the beat of the music awkwardly. C) The couple that just stands and talks the whole time because neither one of them wants to dance. [ Why are you even here? You're taking up my 2-step space. Away with you. ] D) The couple that goes absolutely insane to every song. I was that kind of couple. Poor Carson probably thought I was high the whole night. He danced crazy with me though, so that was nice.
Secret: I can actually dance. Weird, huh? Everyone was shocked. Shut up, I can dance, alright?
I thought the DJ was decent. Last year at Prom they edited the crap out of every song, so we couldn't even sing along. Lame. Homecoming was sweet cause the DJ knew music. Party music. I approved.
Our group decided to leave like 5 minutes early to beat the traffic, and as we're walking out, guess what song starts playing?
PARTY ROCK ANTHEM.
OH my FREAK YES. We run back down the hall and the whole entire school is shuffling. I was like "yes. My life is complete." I think I rubbed holes in the bottoms of my Toms due to excessive shuffling. It was so crazy. Everyone was screaming and dancing and laughing and shuffling and.. ah. Bliss.


All in all, I had an amazing time. Carson was an awesome date and my group was hilarious. I couldn't have asked for a better homecoming experience.


Some pictures for your hungry eyes? Here you go. 

Oh dang. We're so fine.

Hair? Diamonds? YES.

Kodak moment!

He picked me up in a BMW. No big deal.

How cute is my group? For real.

I don't remember what was happening here, but apparently I thought it was hilarious..

Anyway. It was super fun. 
More pictures soon. I promise!

Fixing a Heart.

" I try to sever ties and I ended up with wounds to bind.


I just ran out of band-aids. I don't even know where to start. Cause you can't bandage the damage, you never really can fix a heart." 


I'm not going to write a sob story about breaking up. I didn't break up with anybody. I'm not even with anybody. I'm talking about the damage that a heart takes when something eats at you for a period of time. That sick, almost nauseating feeling that constantly hangs over you. 
Worrying.
Holding a grudge.
Wishing you could change them.
Wishing you could take all the consequences for them.
Hoping they'll be okay, but you never really know for sure because the mask they're wearing is so thick.
Wanting to take all of the pain away.
Not saying sorry when you should.
Being a burden when you shouldn't.


I'm one of those people that wishes she could take all the pain I see and put it on myself. Not because I want to say "Look what I'm doing." but because I just can't stand seeing people I love hurting. 
I try to make myself believe that I'm strong enough to handle anything. I try to tell myself that I can handle their pain, too, because then it would be my worries and not theirs. I know that I can handle it, and I don't want them to be hurting when they don't need to.


Then I realized that I'm just me. I can only take as much as any normal person. I've had my own trials, and dealt with them how I needed to. Maybe not in the best way at first, but I learn from my mistakes.
Someone very smart once told me "You can be a help to people, but you can't be everything. Let Him take the pain for them. He's already done it. There's not a need for you to."


It took me a while to realize how true that really is. 


Christ already did everything for us. He can make every ache we're feeling going away. He's the light at the end of the tunnel that everyone talks about but no one truly believes until they experience it on their own. He's the force that heals you behind the band-aid. He's the answer to all of the questions you ask yourself at night when its dark and you feel alone. He's that warm fuzzy feeling you get. 


He's the one who fixes hearts. 


I wish everyone knew the emotional stress that teenage girls feel every day. So many different facets, so many different things to deal with. How many times have we said "No one understands me," or "Why do I have to be in this alone?"


You silly girls. You're not alone. And someone does understand you. Someone who knows you better than yourself. Someone who knows how betrayal feels. Someone who knows how crying so hard your sides ache feels. Someone who knows what a broken heart feels like.


Sometimes it's just comforting to know that even though we're surrounded by materialistic things, there's one thing that doesn't have a price, and surpasses everything ever created by man.


God's Love.

" Sometimes you must walk a little further into the darkness before you can see the light"