But.
Then today I learn that he's changed his availability date to Sep. 1st. Then I learn that there's a small chance he could have his call by tomorrow. Then I started to realize that he could be gone in a month.
What. The. (*^$&^(&%**^.
I've been mentally preparing myself for this to happen for years now. Why is it all of a sudden hitting me like a brick wall? I feel so.. torn in half. My thoughts are all jumbled and broken.
1st half of me: Yes, Sammi, let him go on a mission! He's a smart boy and you know he'll be in the right place serving the right people. It's what he needs to do. It's what the Lord needs him to do. It's what you need him to do.
It's so hard. I know that he needs to go. I know that. I do. There's just that small part of me that does not want to let go of him. Josh is the best big brother anyone could ever ask for.
We're 3 years apart, and I should've been able to go to school with him for years here and there, but Josh transfered to so many different schools that I never got to walk the same halls as him. When he was in 6th and I was in 3rd, we went to the same Elementary school. That's the only same school that we ever went to. But he never talked to me because he thought I was "lame." and he was the cool kid who hung out on the basketball courts with all of the girls. I do remember one day though, when a really mean boy wouldn't leave me a lone. I ran for Josh in the middle of all of his friends and hooked my arms around his waist, refusing to let go, tears streaming down my face. To my surprise, he didn't shove me away or try to act cool in front of his friends. He hugged me back and didn't let go until I stopped crying. He's always been like that, and I'm just starting to realize how much it means to me.
Then, when I was going to be in 7th grade and he was going to be in 9th, I was so excited to go to school with him again. The previous year, Josh had repeated the 8th grade so that enabled me to go to school with him in Jr. High and High School . I was pumped. Then he transfered to Timberline right before school started. I was sad, but was looking forward to going to school with him in High School at good ol' Lone Peak High.
When I was a freshman, I started swimming for Lone Peak. Here, 9th graders still go to school in Jr. High. So, I would get checked out early from school and go to the High School in preparation for my meets. I'd text Josh and tell him I was at his school, and he'd come find me and give me a hug. Josh was always the big cheese at school. Its super fun to be related to someone with such a high social status. :)
Then, when I was going to be a sophomore, Josh transfered to Pleasant Grove. A rival high school in the town next to us. I cannot even tell you how furious I was that I was never able to go to school with my big brother. Honestly, is it too much to ask? Oh well. I guess fate had a different plan. It did.
Josh started playing baseball at PG, and I swear that team was the best thing that ever happened to him. At least thats what it seemed like to me. He was such a good example to those guys. I've very rarely ever seen the soft side of Josh, but he was like a brother to them. I still continue to see things fall into place today, even though he's graduated.
Recently, as I've seen Josh get ready for his mission, I've learned a lot about him and myself. I see him talk to people and see a boy who's not going to be afraid to put himself out there to teach people the gospel. I see him laugh and see a boy who's going to roll with the punches. No matter what gets thrown at him, he'll always bounce back. I look at Josh and see a boy who's going to come back a man. As cheesey as that sounds, it's true.
Him being my oldest sibling, Josh has been my source of inspiration for as long as I can remember. I always wanted to be like him - I still do. He excels in everything he attempts. He always has a smile. He's laid back and chill, but isn't afraid to stand up for what he believes. I grew up a tomboy, and still am one. Growing up, every day it was nice weather, we'd be outside. I'd watch Josh and my dad throw a baseball or run a few football plays.
In Jr. High I always hated being a tom boy. I felt like I was surrounded by gorgeous girls who were in touch with themselves when I was super insecure and struggling. Now being a tomboy is the thing I love most about myself. Josh taught me that there's strength in being confident.
Confession: At the beginning of my 7th grade year, I was filling out a "get to know you" questionnaire and one of the questions was the classic 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'. Guess what I put? Josh.
I'm sure if Josh was to read this, he'd be extremely creeped out. I don't ever remember really, truly, deeply telling Josh how much I love him. When he graduated High School I hugged him and said "way to go, bud." When he left for college I hugged him and said "I love you, Josh" then went upstairs and cried. I'm pretty sure if I went up to him now and was like "I want to be just like you, i love you and am so proud of you.. etc etc," he'd definitely think I was crazy. Although, I think when he leaves, I'll break down and probably give him a printed out version of this. Aha cheese-ville. Win.
Basically speaking. I love my brother. He's the greatest example of character and strength, and I couldn't have asked for anyone better. He hasn't even left on his mission yet, but I feel like I just needed to get everything out on the table so i can come to terms with it. Eventually, I will. I promise. In the mean time, I'll wear my 'hold to the rod' necklace that him and I both have, and do my best to be as cool as him.
Sammi. I. Love. This. a whole ton.
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